justrun-.

if everyone cared

maybe i'm making a "mount everest out of a bukit timah" (as quoted from seb), but for some reason i'm rather troubled now.

it just really disturbs me. how the whole thing replays in my head over and over. and with every breath i take, i fear that it'll happen all over. that feeling of loss of control. oxygen's all around us, but yet not everyone is free to breathe it all in. blame the lungs. okay i bet this sounds stupid to everyone. i mean who the heck gets worried about this stuff right? but here i am, moaning and groaning about this and just totally freaking out.

everytime my chest feels a little tighter than normal, i start totally freaking out. today at training i was freaking out even more. i mean the breathlessness was normal, but i was just so scared that i wouldn't be able to catch my breath again. plus the guys were doing some weird pace. sudden 40kph bursts which i could not keep up with. so i'd try to pedal harder and faster and totally lose my breath. could hear the asthma and all, and when i'd finally caught up i'd be near wheezing. freaked me out..hm during the run dexter was prodding me with a twig and asking me to go faster. the "go faster" part was okay with me, but PRODDING me with a twig was just annoying. agh. anyway, back to the breathing-there was this other nagging voice in my head asking me to go faster whenever i felt breathless. for some reason, my head wants to prove to myself that my body is fine and i don't have asthma. haha. ridiculous as it may sound, i think it's gonna be the driving force for my training now. aye and jx didn't allow me to do the SIX rounds. argh. i feel so weak and fat and unfit.

so i'm like stressing out over this. came home and binged. that's excluding the shitty food i ate last night. i hate cocktails. socializing is NOT my thing. esp when there is FOOD around. gosh i should have stayed in the toilet and hid. i hate social functions! agh agh agh.

okay i'm emo and angsty and woohoo. haha.

if everyone cared and nobody cried
if everyone loved and nobody lied

all the best to ppl taking chinese Os tmr.

[pat]* decided to runaway-.

put on her shoes at [16:57]

and took [20060528] strides

it's the passion that drives you